Time does heal, and I can genuinely say that the wounds have pretty much gone. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. Sue said that she had decided that the only way our marriage would survive is if she cuckolded me, and that was the only condition that we would remain together, she explained what it meant and that she would be taking other lovers, I would have no further intimate sexual relationship with her, and I would exist to serve only her and her lover at the time. When I was in a similar position, I realised that we were both responsible for the past, and that the future of our marriage was a joint project too.
Thankfully, my wife has recovered from her depression and our marriage is better than ever. Linda Blair Despite your attempts to convince yourself that all is well between the two of you now, the harm caused by your wife's affair has not yet been repaired. The reasons you give to justify your belief that the damage has been mended are not very convincing. She hates me bringing up the subject because it fills her with "self-loathing", but 10 months on, her infidelity still occupies my mind. I hope you will find the courage to take thelatter course. When I was in a similar position, I realised that we were both responsible for the past, and that the future of our marriage was a joint project too. What is lost is the past as one thought it was, but at least we still have the future. Give yourself more time I went through a similar experience about 10 years ago and I believe that there is no quick fix to your situation - it is inevitably painful to recover from such a betrayal. It may sound trivial, but one of my housemates keeps piles of dirty plates and cutlery - ours as well as his own - in his room for weeks on end. If you wish to grow from what happened, rather than let the affair create ever more barriers between you, you need to take action. I would not have chosen that time as a route to happiness, but I can't regret what we both learned about living with one another as a result. Yet I am still haunted daily by the image of her with another man, and by memories of the happy family holiday we had around that time, which now feels tainted by what she disingenuously describes as a "horrible" secret. I suspect that you are a very logical person, and you assume that because you have dealt with things in a rational manner, and that you each had an emotional outburst at the outset - you were "predictably shocked and devastated" and your wife was "tearful and ashamed"- everything should now be all right. No one has ever explained this anomaly as elegantly as Kahlil Gibran did in The Prophet: He saw the effect it had on me and realised that our marriage nearly ended as a result of it. He is a lovely, popular guy, and I don't want to fall out with him but he consistently evades his share of household tasks, while refusing to change his habits. In truth, with an event of this emotional magnitude, that was only the beginning. We told hardly anyone, our sex life is better than ever, and it does not feel as if we need counselling. However, he has moved on and forgiven himself, whereas the question of me forgiving him never really occurred to me since I imagined that it must somehow have been partly my fault that he had strayed. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. He and I have a better life together now because he was shocked at what he learned about himself as a result of being unfaithful. My housemates threatened to keep their kitchen stuff locked in their rooms, which he protested was ridiculous. Sue said that she had decided that the only way our marriage would survive is if she cuckolded me, and that was the only condition that we would remain together, she explained what it meant and that she would be taking other lovers, I would have no further intimate sexual relationship with her, and I would exist to serve only her and her lover at the time. AL, via email Beware the moral high ground Wrench your mind away from the images that are haunting you and show your wife you trust her by staying away from her mobile phone. If you really love her, then let what has happened go, and focus on the good things you have still got together. I was predictably shocked and devastated, she was tearful and ashamed. What can we do?
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